Sufferings End

            I heard an interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross she was speaking with George Carlin said I know there will be bad times and good times will follow and vice versa.  I couldn’t help but think about the ebb and flow of the human experience and what I had just written about suffering.  I am not inclined to under-analyze my existence that’s for sure but I am inclined to make this ‘experience’ worth something—anything great and good and self assessing.  What else could I possible do to help suffering out the door?  I knew someone once who would say here’s your hat what’s your hurry and that is definitely my approach to suffering.  The thing is we all do it, we all at some point and another will have our own walk to Gethsemane there is no escape.  But…but there as Carlin said always be a flow into something greater.  My friend Jesus sometimes wears this original tee shirt that says I created been there done that and I always laugh when He wears it because created is crossed out and survived is written above it.  I tell Him often, show off and laugh again.  He says I’ll make one for you too and we’ll go have lunch together wearing matching tee shirts.  I laugh again and think how cool will that be.  He asked me once, “Who did you meet during your suffering?”  I thought about that question for a long time.  Did He mean literally, figuratively, spiritually what?  I wasn’t about to ask Him either I didn’t want my friend to think I was an emotional slob, lazy and bratty with my just tell me mentality.  Believe me I can fall back on that state of mind as well as the next guy.  I had just left one afternoon to get the girls from school and it rightly dawned on me what my friend meant.  I had met a few people on that suffering road.  The first person I met was Compassion and what she taught me is for a later time but initially it was perfect.  I also met along the way,  Decency and as you can imagine he was direct,  flawless and perfect as well.  I attended thier wedding sometime later, it was of course beautiful, but again that is for a later time.  I just wanted you to know that suffering, though excruciatingly difficult,  has its cake and eating it too in the end.  Suffering awakened me to such words as useful and crucial because without suffering I wouldn't love as deeply or care as wildly as I do about the people God has brought into my life.

Suffering

Suffering

            I don’t know any one who hasn’t suffered in some way or another.  I also know people who by their very nature of experience are not very compassionate to suffering, at least in obvious terms.  I do however know many people who not only have, but do suffer daily; God has reminded me on many occasion, sin and suffering they are synonymous.   But this was not my question.  My question was why do we need to suffer, it is painful and I don’t like it, let me rephrase that I hate it.  My question wasn’t about any one particular incident either. I mean really, I knew a lot of people in heaven and admittedly this was the brunt of my suffering.  Since I did have this unique opportunity to sit and talk to God, I thought, what the heck why not start talking about everything.  It was clear to me that suffering was the epitome of the human experience and is the core reason for most of us to change. And this is not ever an easy thing I knew that too, Jesus Christ; enough said.  I wanted to know, why is suffering so important and is one man’s suffering greater than another’s?  I asked this question because through the years I had often heard it said among sufferers that there are indeed levels and standards even under the scrutiny of suffering itself.  Frankly, I needed to understand because not only did I want all forms of suffering to end but I also wanted to end it for any future sufferers.  So when I got up that morning, got my coffee and sat down to talk to God I had serious questions.  Remember, God is a show me God, He does not complicate His conversation with intellectual banter (unlike me).  He knew my question as He knew me and I felt His love for me because of this.  “There are two types of suffering.” God said.  Self inflicted and not self inflicted in which case one most certainly can bring on the other.”  I guess I needed to know this first?  My tiny brain thinks in such a linear way as to get me caught shallow and dumbfounded.  Hey that’s my nature too.  So of course in the wee hours of the quiet house me in my chair, God on His throne, I listened intently as He explained.  “Life says there will be suffering it is inescapable because of sin but then you added to your suffering by not reaching out to me.” (Self medicating)  God reminded me of a time after our son died and I was sitting on the spiral staircase in our tiny apartment in Greeley Colorado.  I was angry and Christ was there because I called Him.  He took my words and my anger and my epic frustration and Jesus said “I will take it all.”  Afterwards my suffering became self inflicted because even though Christ was there, then.  I denied His access to my life later.  It was no doubt a chosen form of punishment.  I hurt in recalling that moment, it was extreeeeemly painful.  I had never questioned why Jack had to die; it wasn’t because of anything except…he died.  What was to question, I was more hurt that I was incapable of handling it.  I was stunned that morning because I remembered then how I hated my life, hated the day, and hated everything.  Self loathing I muttered, why couldn’t I have just reached out to you I muttered even more.  “You are now and that is the important thing to remember.  I need you to be awake now.  I need you to listen to me and stop doubting that I exist and that I do so to profoundly be a part of your life.  I didn’t want you to recall that moment for any other reason than to show you that you are vital to My life. I love you and need you, I always have and will and miss you when you try to forget Me and ignore Me.”  I cried, what would you have done?  The show me side of God means that you have a full and complete side of what He is sharing.  He missed me I felt that like I missed my own son.  How I lingered over the memory of his tiny feet, his yellow shirt, his perfect-ness…everything.  God grieved for me in the same sense.  I’m sorry I said.  This is the day I told Satan that he could no longer use God’s neglect and absence against me.  I learned something else as well Jacks death in so many ways brought me, my life.    

God

First things First

            This is by no means the simplest thing I have ever done but I will say one of the best things concerning my relationship with the Creator of the universe and Killer of sin.  Hey, I figured I owed Them at the very least my consideration.  So early one morning about four o’clock AM I rose but not after griping first about the hour I decided in order to keep from falling back to sleep I should speak out loudly.  The house was dark, quiet and frankly I felt like a fool talking out loudly to what I thought was God but really not God, you know what I mean.  God is real we all know this but not like, just stopped by for a conversation is there any coffee left, real.  Those ways we all know to be Old Testament days.  Anyway it was either feel like a fool or go back to bed and I knew this wasn’t an option. So I asked what I believed to be a pretty straight forward question.  What’s the best way to get to know you God?  Now this is (what I would soon come to know as), one of the many great parts about God; He is a show me God.  He doesn’t waste time with a bunch of words and useless dialogue (unlike me) and He definitely doesn’t play games either, His reply, simple.  “Let go of all of the preconceived notions you have built about me for the past thirty some odd years because they are false and man-made.”  This is when God decided to show up.  Why now I never asked, I guess this is what He wanted from me all along, conversation.  He just appeared to me and not the white haired ancient type I wrote about in Libretto as Hapsom.  Not as a character at all but the true reality of who God is to me; wisdom and love and sacrifice, the real God. Not the proverbial archetype that demands the above mentioned ‘things,’ the God, not a god, much different.  He knew what I was about to ask next of course He did.  Why had I waited so long to reach out to Him?  Why had I wasted so many years being stubbornly angry for one reason or another?  “Self loathing,” He gently replied “and…you chose it.  Actually it is an occupational hazard because of the close proximity you live to sin.  People who hate Me and My Son hate themselves and the same goes with the opposite.  Remember this please; I am not religion though people say I am.  I am not the church though people say that as well.  I am you and you me, make your choices based on this from now on and you’ll begin to see the difference.”  That was the first time God appeared to me and the last time I complained about having to get up at four AM.

Jerry’s Seinfeld, Springer and King

           My entire life I can now easily say in reflection has been spent in search mode.  Not by choice however but due in most part by my genetic predisposition to understand the age old question why are we here.  What is the purpose of this life and why has it been so damn hard (the death of my only son) I believe a profanity fits here.  I have decided that a blog about nothing (Jerry Seinfeld’s show about nothing) just might suit me at this juncture in my development as a human being. Ha I said it.  In fact, I rather like the idea of it.  Not to blow God off or anything but just value the opportunity to sit on the shore for a while.  Enjoy the ocean (which is God), wade, but only ankle deep; now and then but not necessarily swim. Nothing, hmm… maybe, maybe not. 

Early last week brought on by a month of feeling well, put simply pretty crappy, I decided to go ahead and schedule my yearly not really planning on any ‘surprises.’  So you can imagine my shock when I herd the words you’re going through menopause and you have mono.  Well, I said, that explains why I have been sick and tired lately and why I have been sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED.  I thought I heard the Dr. say take two aspirin but please don’t call me in the morning.  Couldn’t help but wonder, aren’t ‘they,’ by their very nature a contradiction of terms, meno and mono ugh, only me.  This totally at least explains the rollercoaster ride of emotions I had been on in the past few weeks and suddenly I could see my self dancing around the house like Elaine did in that more famous episode of Seinfeld and began chuckling at the thought.  The meno would say GO FOR IT but the mono would say yeah right later a lot later.  Ugh!

On the way home from the Dr. that afternoon I began to feel sorry for my self as I suddenly saw myself on the Jerry Springer show with my husband sitting on one of those gross sofas saying/crying “she said she got it from a drinking fountain (long dramatic pause) at church! No doubt the crowd begins booing me before I ever enter the humiliating stage.  He was wearing one of those ugly plaid shirts with some sort of food stain and a faded pair of denim cargo shorts. Not bad enough, he had grown this very unappealing long beard that was gray and unkempt also sporting some sort of food remnant (Springer not my husband). I started laughing hysterically as I came to the stop light where an older couple in their mid-sixties was on their way somewhere great I decided. The driver looked over at me and nodded as I continued laughing at my extraordinary life.  The second time he glanced over at me I was crying with just as much enthusiasm, I won’t even speculate what he was thinking.  I turned on my CD and blasted Joan Osborne.  Double ugh.  As I proceeded my mind went to a conversation with our youngest daughter asking if I had ever done anything cool in my life and my replying well… I was on the Jerry Springer show once.  LOL. 

But here’s the real dilemma, I was raised with the idea (my dad) that in order to enjoy relaxation at any level, profound or otherwise you must have earned it. One must first be productive i.e. I’ll accomplish this then relax or first this before that, no exceptions.  Even in the past when I have had the flu, guilt loomed while dropping the vile, you’re not being productive net around me.  Sorry dad but really dumb. So, no wonder the word balance keeps washing up on the shore of my brain. I have to laugh again because it didn’t take guilt long to pack its gear and get out. I mean let’s face it there’s just no room, meno would kick its butt while mono…that’s right just sat there and did NOTHING!

I am luckily reminded lately of something Christ told me not so long ago. “Just be who I made you to be and leave the rest.”  Really what choice do I have!  

how to God

How

          I have been posed this question many times, how do I get to know God?  What do I do first and how did you do it?  For me it was more out of necessity than anything else.  On and off for many years is the best way to describe my relationship with God.  Rocky at best and desperate at worst are also accurate descriptions of He and I.  Hey, it’s what life taught me, and He knew that as well and any of you who know me can attest to this.  In my teens I jumped head first into spirituality, searching for any clues that He did exist.  Spirituality did as it was supposed to (at the time) let me down in the worse way and religion was no different.  There were months and even years in which I had been extremely thorough, in my deliberate act of telling God ‘get out of my life.’  He laughed and…okay He didn’t laugh but for years I thought He did.  Just another form of denial I came to understand early on in the wee hours and quiet moments I spent with Them (the Trinity).  I had also been confidently inconsistent in my listening it was a side effect of a sin existence. Easily I spent my days straight up avoiding shameful, profoundly embarrassing, contact with the Almighty.  It was after all, my right, ugh.  My life was a shambles and I didn’t want to be reminded of it, especially not by some finger pointing self sanctimonious got-goder!  Let’s face it the bible-belt is full of them myself included.  Hypocrisy had me by the throat and wasn’t about to let go.  Funny how I had spent the greater part of my existence looking for Him and when He finally called me I said…uh… no! Nonetheless, He called me.  “Get up Laura.”  For three weeks I heard this gentle calling and each time I would roll over, look at the clock and say ‘you’ve got to be kidding it’s four o’clock in the morning’ and quietly I would resume my slumber.  I have to say though after a couple weeks of this I began to feel an ever-present anxiousness that would not leave.  The fourth week was the breaking point because I woke wide awake again at four AM. No going back to sleep this time, I mean fully awake.  Resentfully I got up, mentally stomped downstairs, made coffee and sat in what would soon become my God chair.  While the first week was rather quiet because I was a brat, I did become oddly thankful for the peace and quiet the early morning hour offered my crazy life.  I believe my first out loud verbal contact was ‘ok I’m here God who are you and who am I in that relationship.’  His response was immediate.  “I’m your Father and you my beloved child.”  Not a booming voice from the heavens, not a confusing, could be my voice from within either.  God’s voice and it was as clear as the morning sun and I cried like a baby.

How To God

How

          I have been posed this question many times, how do I get to know God?  What do I do first and how did you do it?  For me it was more out of necessity than anything else.  On and off for many years is the best way to describe my relationship with God.  Rocky at best and desperate at worst are also accurate descriptions of He and I.  Hey, it’s what life taught me, and He knew that as well and any of you who know me can attest to this.  In my teens I jumped head first into spirituality, searching for any clues that He did exist.  Spirituality did as it was supposed to (at the time) let me down in the worse way and religion was no different.  There were months and even years in which I had been extremely thorough, in my deliberate act of telling God ‘get out of my life.’  He laughed and…okay He didn’t laugh but for years I thought He did.  Just another form of denial I came to understand early on in the wee hours and quiet moments I spent with Them (the Trinity).  I had also been confidently inconsistent in my listening it was a side effect of a sin existence. Easily I spent my days straight up avoiding shameful, profoundly embarrassing, contact with the Almighty.  It was after all, my right, ugh.  My life was a shambles and I didn’t want to be reminded of it, especially not by some finger pointing self sanctimonious got-goder!  Let’s face it the bible-belt is full of them myself included.  Hypocrisy had me by the throat and wasn’t about to let go.  Funny how I had spent the greater part of my existence looking for Him and when He finally called me I said…uh… no! Nonetheless, He called me.  “Get up Laura.”  For three weeks I heard this gentle calling and each time I would roll over, look at the clock and say ‘you’ve got to be kidding it’s four o’clock in the morning’ and quietly I would resume my slumber.  I have to say though after a couple weeks of this I began to feel an ever-present anxiousness that would not leave.  The fourth week was the breaking point because I woke wide awake again at four AM. No going back to sleep this time, I mean fully awake.  Resentfully I got up, mentally stomped downstairs, made coffee and sat in what would soon become my God chair.  While the first week was rather quiet because I was a brat, I did become oddly thankful for the peace and quiet the early morning hour offered my crazy life.  I believe my first out loud verbal contact was ‘ok I’m here God who are you and who am I in that relationship.’  His response was immediate.  “I’m your Father and you my beloved child.”  Not a booming voice from the heavens, not a confusing, could be my voice from within either.  God’s voice and it was as clear as the morning sun and I cried like a baby.

Spiritual Laziness

Spiritual Laziness

This is after a few calls yesterday and nearly three hours on the phone.  Spiritual laziness, like any other lazy behavior, is grossly unacceptable by most standards because it is comprehensibly negative.  There is nothing to be gained by being deliberately lazy.  I never met a lazy person I liked, mostly because like other anti-Christ like behaviors it is used as weapon.

This is the way God explained it to me.  “Spiritual laziness creates a sincere disconnection between you and me, one that begins as a gap and ends as an enormous canyon.   Just as any other neglected relationship suffers so will ours and I cannot teach you my ways if you don’t care that I exist.  I created you with a purpose and an intention that will far surpass anything you could ever dream up for yourself and I love you.”  When God makes Himself known to you and you are ready to be known by Him, spiritual laziness is beyond insulting.  We all relationship, either at work or church as well as other venues and depending on how ambitious we are in those relationships will ultimately define their success rates.  Spiritual ambition is my goal now and it’s not about being the greatest part of who I am or even the perks that come along with knowing the Creator of the universe intimately, though I can assure you, the benefits are limitless!  God makes me better and if I am better so are those I invariably affect, not infect.  I heard yesterday several times, is spiritual neglect real?  Does spiritual neglect have any true consequences?  Of course, look around you and not in a way of judgment but rather in way of reflection.  What are we growing? Is it greatness or because of a neglected relationship with God, mediocrity?  God shares His life with us in a way that causes us to redefine the way we behave, the way we think, the way we choose.  “If you cannot choose well, you will not be well and nether will those you come in contact with.  I want you to understand this.”  This is what God shares with me.  One other thing before I move on that I believe equally important.  Our ability to grow in God is infinite there will never be a stopping point.  So don’t let another day go by without saying, in the quietness of you self, hello God.   

Why Not God

Why Not God

           

First things first; Do you believe in God and if you don’t why not?  Believing in nothing remember, is still believing in something.  I first met God face to face shortly following the day my son died.  Don’t misunderstand me, I knew Him and Her prior to that horrific day but this was a face to face meeting to be sure.  This book is about the days that followed that historic moment in my life and what God has taught me since then.  Our lives are not mere coincidence or for some bumper car life-like experience either.  God has a purpose for our experience believe it or not and trust me when I tell you this one; it’s not just about suffering through one failed attempt at life after another.  God has a plan and we just happen to struggle against that plan because of our own stubbornistic, prideful, slumbering, self induced states of mind.  I know this is much to take in but famous last words often begin with I didn’t or I wasn’t, blah, blah, blah.  It never fails for us to climb on the, but where was God when this happened or why didn’t God stop that, ban wagon?  Why didn’t we?  Why haven’t we put an end to war and famine?  Why do we allow the endless religious differences to make anti-Christ’s out of the lot of us?  If you don’t know God it’s your own fault so knock it off.  And if there is any blame to be placed go to the mirror and look into it I dare say you’ll love what’s staring back at you and if you do then well that’s just God isn’t it?  Relationships are about time and time is about work and work is about joy and joy is about relationship.  God is indeed this ever evolving, growing interpersonal being in our lives.  He asks us to be better in a way that is easy and challenging because of effort.  Lazy is not God and if this is your approach to other relationships then your expectations are greater than your efforts.  This is hypocrisy at its greatest but that is a subject for another day.  Take five minutes today to say hey God its me what’s up start generating interest in the bigger picture, life beyond life.

Public Opinion's Value

Funny how I live my life in the shadow of other’s expectations of me, or, in the light of other’s great opinion of me due to a vast and varying array of personal achievements and or current behavioral attributes.  Either way it is a never ending rhyme of ‘they love me, they love me not.’  Is it important for me to swim/drown in the very fragile, fluctuating pool of public opinion?  Do I need to take on yet another project in order to be redeemable and able to access the accolades that can no doubt be shattered by grouchy dispositions, PMS, or even worse, my own momentary dose of self acceptance?  I recently discovered while I was down with a virus that I am also suffering from exhaustion, self inflicted to be sure. UGH!  I could, but won’t tell you the amount of irons I had in the fire all of which I thought at the time were good choices for great causes, never stopping to sincerely ask if it was the right time, because frankly, if it has to do with God it must be the right time.  A friend reminded me yesterday a SS that ten percent of the people do ninety percent of the work, ninety percent of the time.  I thought about that a lot yesterday and decided that I needed to choose the things I do, based on what God wants from me and not based on what people will think of me.  A God led, Jesus said, Spirit fed life.  Does that exclude the matter of public opinion all together?  It excludes public opinion as a means of personal opinion.  In other words, what and how I think of myself has nothing to do with the ever-present moodiness of all other opinions.  A disconnect happens that I was surprised to learn, a disconnect that is painful and disconcerting for me.  Swimming in the pool of pubic opinion made me completely at the mercy of ‘dysfunction’ and unmanageable circumstances and for what reason?  For a few brief moments, I could somehow muster some semblance of personal acceptance and or worth?  I only want to please you God and in doing so, carve out an existence for me and my children that someday, any day, I might hear You say Lord, thank you for using what I gave you in a positive way.  Now that’s an opinion I care about.

Faith Is a Place

I discovered, with God's help of course that Faith is a place we live and breathe, a noun if you will, not an adjective.  That straying form this highly regarded area is not only dangerous but dark as well.  Mostly because we are surreptitiously tempted the moment we step a way from 'It.'  Not just tempted but find also that doubt is chronically lurking around every insidious corner waiting for the moment to catch me off guard and vulnerably, naively, I can do this myself,  alone.  I recall a book I read early on in my faith that highlighted just such devilish attributes.  “This Present Darkness,” it was the first time I had ever looked at spiritual warfare in such a blatant way.  I reveled in the thought that Heaven was about His Father’s business on our behalf.  I was undoubtedly comforted by such a fact.  It was also the first time I began to look at Faith as a place of comfort and wow, choice.  I let go after reading Frank Peretti, of the controlled concept that my universe was one dimensional, C. S. Lewis taught me a thing or two about that as well.  God was with me through those early days, especially after growing up in such a mystical environment.  I truly didn’t know if I was hither, thither, or yon, yea, mostly yon, ha-ha.  Most of you who know me now, know me because of the writers who taught me the art of being and living in a Faith-based locale, otherwise I would be existing in a cave somewhere in South America shouting profanities from the mountain tops.  Let go and let God an old friend used to remind me and I still hear those words floating around in my brain.  Still hear her say it in my ears.  God I know that you know that I know that you know, that is Faith in a nut-shell for me.  And… if I can do anything to help with this ‘greater understanding,’ please just let me know!!!  To choose to choose says lifer herself and so I will.  I choose to live in my Faith in Christ.  Thank you God for this!   

Forgiveness! My Ask

i couldn't sleep last night, not unusual for me unfortunately.  It's my brains activity that keeps me plugging a way to and at, the heart of matters.  So as you can imagine forgiveness was at the forefront of my thoughts.  What is forgiveness? Is it an action or a state of 'being' if you will.  See, my thoughts are curious.  Can forgiveness come from more than a single source; is the source of a single proprietor?  Yom Kippur is a Jewish holy day, an annual day of atonement.  Good for them notsomuch for me.  My friend refers to atonement as a means of moving forward which makes perfect sense when I’m not in dire need of ‘it.’  i like to say that backwards is a direction i don’t travel in but in reality a life lived without atonement, forgiveness or spiritual restitution, is a road with no direction whatsoever.  There are a hundred reasons forgiveness is on my brain but the biggest one is, God placed it there.  Jesus always wants more out of me, always wants me moving in that forward direction with Him.  It is not so tricky for me to know this but, imperative that I realize forgiveness as a moment by moment way of living.  If I waited for Yom Kippur I am certain I would have rationalized my way right into it was the others guys fault, period, end of discussion.  A less like Godly life and more like worldly way of being.  Which leads me right back to where I began, “forgiveness my ask”….it is between me and my Lord, but I must ask that is the imperative here.  My friend has it right, atonement is delicious. And I know it not to be a malicious weapon for belittlement and or entitlement either.   Why do I do it?  I asked that as well.  The answer as always from Jesus is one of sincere, grateful understanding blended with compassion and forgiveness itself.  “Its because you know better and I want you too.”

To God or not to God? A series in a God led life

Is that really the question here?  Or perhaps the better question is to be accountable or not to be accountable?  If there is one down side to relationship-ing with the great Creator, i would have to say accountability is it.  Oh man, I've done something wrong and i need to make it right.  i believe that is why God can be such a testy, unsavory, conversation topic.  No one wants to be accountable to the likes of someone else's (idea) of who religion says God is.  Frankly either do i.  Religion, let's face it, has done a lot over the years in making nonbelievers out of humanity.  But come on, religion isn't God people, so stop falling for that one, it's the oldest trick in the book!!!  i don't fancy myself a religious person as much as i do a spiritual one.  It is, after all, who God created me to be.  And yes i find myself falling in and out of hypocrisy as much as the next guy, it's just that i recognize this as being a thing i need to work on because of my relationship with Him.  Ask yourself this question, is there an up-side to being in a relationship with God?  Not religion mind you, not the church, not historic or hysteric dogmatic interpretation and definitely not your own obscured acute misunderstood version of the maker of all either and or especially.  i challenge you to get to know this Being you don't and to do so intimately if not uniquely.  To stop messing around with your existence and be present in your every day choice making.  Wake up already and stop letting what you don't know dictate what you do.  To God or not to God?  Well yea!