Jerry’s Seinfeld, Springer and King

           My entire life I can now easily say in reflection has been spent in search mode.  Not by choice however but due in most part by my genetic predisposition to understand the age old question why are we here.  What is the purpose of this life and why has it been so damn hard (the death of my only son) I believe a profanity fits here.  I have decided that a blog about nothing (Jerry Seinfeld’s show about nothing) just might suit me at this juncture in my development as a human being. Ha I said it.  In fact, I rather like the idea of it.  Not to blow God off or anything but just value the opportunity to sit on the shore for a while.  Enjoy the ocean (which is God), wade, but only ankle deep; now and then but not necessarily swim. Nothing, hmm… maybe, maybe not. 

Early last week brought on by a month of feeling well, put simply pretty crappy, I decided to go ahead and schedule my yearly not really planning on any ‘surprises.’  So you can imagine my shock when I herd the words you’re going through menopause and you have mono.  Well, I said, that explains why I have been sick and tired lately and why I have been sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED.  I thought I heard the Dr. say take two aspirin but please don’t call me in the morning.  Couldn’t help but wonder, aren’t ‘they,’ by their very nature a contradiction of terms, meno and mono ugh, only me.  This totally at least explains the rollercoaster ride of emotions I had been on in the past few weeks and suddenly I could see my self dancing around the house like Elaine did in that more famous episode of Seinfeld and began chuckling at the thought.  The meno would say GO FOR IT but the mono would say yeah right later a lot later.  Ugh!

On the way home from the Dr. that afternoon I began to feel sorry for my self as I suddenly saw myself on the Jerry Springer show with my husband sitting on one of those gross sofas saying/crying “she said she got it from a drinking fountain (long dramatic pause) at church! No doubt the crowd begins booing me before I ever enter the humiliating stage.  He was wearing one of those ugly plaid shirts with some sort of food stain and a faded pair of denim cargo shorts. Not bad enough, he had grown this very unappealing long beard that was gray and unkempt also sporting some sort of food remnant (Springer not my husband). I started laughing hysterically as I came to the stop light where an older couple in their mid-sixties was on their way somewhere great I decided. The driver looked over at me and nodded as I continued laughing at my extraordinary life.  The second time he glanced over at me I was crying with just as much enthusiasm, I won’t even speculate what he was thinking.  I turned on my CD and blasted Joan Osborne.  Double ugh.  As I proceeded my mind went to a conversation with our youngest daughter asking if I had ever done anything cool in my life and my replying well… I was on the Jerry Springer show once.  LOL. 

But here’s the real dilemma, I was raised with the idea (my dad) that in order to enjoy relaxation at any level, profound or otherwise you must have earned it. One must first be productive i.e. I’ll accomplish this then relax or first this before that, no exceptions.  Even in the past when I have had the flu, guilt loomed while dropping the vile, you’re not being productive net around me.  Sorry dad but really dumb. So, no wonder the word balance keeps washing up on the shore of my brain. I have to laugh again because it didn’t take guilt long to pack its gear and get out. I mean let’s face it there’s just no room, meno would kick its butt while mono…that’s right just sat there and did NOTHING!

I am luckily reminded lately of something Christ told me not so long ago. “Just be who I made you to be and leave the rest.”  Really what choice do I have!